Just another day at the beach..

So for T's birthday she was lucky it feel on a wednsday not only do we not have any activities.. (she practices every other week with the older soccer team, and it was the off week.. ) but they get out of school at 1:10 on wed's.. ( we start at 7:45am) So we packed up and headed to the beach just up the street.. Loaded both surf boards, packed a cooler, grabbed some chairs and towels and off we went. Our friends Ben, Lindsey, Julie and her daughter Sonja joined us. There was supposed to be a big swell so we were a tad concerned but we lucked out and nothing to big.. I think it was 4 to 6 ft further out where Jon, sonja and Lindsey were but were we stayed it was more 1-3.. T's bff Lauryn joined us and the 4 kids played for hours. The girls didn't surf today it got crowded and between taking the boys and getting his own runs in we just ran out of time. Now C and Jon usually go on Sunday's just the 2 of them to surf it's an early morning or mid day run and it is so their thing. Logan has tried once and cut his foot on coral and he was so over it. That all said the boys were dying to show grandpa they could surf so C was up first.. He had a few good runs and then he got a tad cocky.. 

He ended up showing off and not paying attention to where he was and he hit the shore... Oops.. board flipped, kid flipped and then the board hit his head.. I went running to him, picked him up got his leash off and T grabbed the board. The Lifeguards were spot on and came and checked him out and brought him some ice.. he sat for a little while and then went right back out. So it was time for Logan to head out.. I was so happy to see him out and trying, because he is one that will try once fail and he will never do it again. He was wonderful and loved it..

After the beach we headed home for dinner. T had asked for homemade Lasagna so I made it before we headed out and popped it in the oven when we got home. We then opened presents and went to B and R for ice cream. T doesn't like cake or cupcakes so prefers ice cream.. 

                                    Girl got lots of money.. we are going shopping tomorrow.

                                    have you ever seen someone so excited to get a headband

T and Her BFF Lauryn

North Shore.. BIG Swell.

                                          Kids found a tire swing and played on it forever..

The first swell of the winter came in this week and waves on the North Shore came in huge.. They were beautiful.. The swell was 20 to 25 ft and so much fun just to sit and watch. We went out to the famous pipeline and watched for a good 45 mins.. The kids loved it and played along the beach and it just makes us that much more excited for the Triple Crown surfing series that goes on between Nov and Dec.. These pics don't do it justice, it truly was spectacular!

Number 12..

A little look back at T over the years...

                                           There was a point where she did dance... she loved it

                                                                     Kindergarten

                                                                      First Tooth

I cannot even begin to explain to you the emotion I feel... where has 12 years gone? My first born baby girl is now a big girl.. I look back at pictures and see how much she has grown in not only size but her personality and outlook on life. I look at baby pictures and can remember each moment from the second she was born. I always wanted a brown little baby with big eyes and when she was born she was pale as a ghost and so not what I ordered.. I was pleased when she became jaundice and turned Orange.. HAHA.. She has always been the fairest of the 3 but has the most beautiful big brown eyes and cute little button nose. I still look at her daily and see the little things that are changing in her. She has always been outgoing, loud, focused and driven.. and now I see other things emerging from her.. She is still outgoing but a little more reserved. She is not as adventurous these days and likes to feel safe in her surroundings. She still has no common sense or street smarts, but is amazingly gifted when it comes to school. She is becoming kind hearted, sensitive, emotional, wears her heart on her sleeve kind of girl. It kills her to see homeless people and she thinks the "Occupy Honolulu" is just that.. she sees them and instantly breaks out in tears. It warms my heart to see the kindness and caring she has for others, even extending that to her brothers these days. On the home front becoming a "tween" that is there too.. She is sassy and sarcastic and definitely doesn't share as much with Jon as she used to.. Thank god she still tells me everything and I can relay it, but it still breaks his heart to see that she is not as upfront with him anymore when it comes to boys or her emotional status. I look at her daily and see how tall she is getting and her legs that go on forever. Her hair has lightened up so much since moving here and has beautiful sun streaks in it.. They call that "ehu" here. Thank god she still has no desire to wear makeup but she is obsessed with her long, beautiful hair and I often feel like I am living with Marsha Brady. I am so not ready for the late middle school yrs or HS when boys fully come into the picture. I love to just sit and have conversations with her about her dreams, goals and desires with today and the future. She tells us daily that she really wants to go to Stanford, but that U of O and U of Hawaii are her back ups. She would like to be valedictorian and plans on being an IB student starting next year (she is currently getting started with Gifted and Talented) Such big goals for a child who aspires to be a movie star or singer.. HAHA, she says her back ups are Architect or teacher. We shall see, I am just pleased that she has lofty goals and is taking steps to achieve them. Yes, that does mean we have our own version of American idol here. Good Lord, that child sings day and night and it usually involves headphones on her head so that makes it worse! She has a great voice, I will give her that... but she sings all day long. My dad calls her his little hummingbird.  We, as in Jon, myself and boys call her annoying. Terrible, yes we know but spend a day at our house and you will understand.. I swear our neighbors get a show each night when she takes a shower since the small window is open and she sings  her little heart out. In all reality I cannot be more thankful to have a daughter who is determined, respectful and full of life as Tatum.. Happy Birthday to my baby girl..

It's all coming full circle..

As I have decided to post more often I feel that I cannot just write about my lovely children or the amazing surrounding we call home, so that being said I decided to just blog about everything that  goes in and out of my head.. scary thought, huh?

After I wrote my last blog I felt so liberated.. I felt like I said a lot of things I have wanted to say but not felt "safe" in saying. For some reason writing has always been so thearaputic for me, right along with running! Hence, why my kids all coming to me with all the writing homework and then proceed to tell me that they are waiting for daddy to get home to start their math because I will not be able to help them.. At least all our cards are on the table! Haha. Jon and I were discussing the issues of societies perception on women, what they should, shouldn't look like. Mainly the whole Jessica simpson and Lady Gaga issues that are all over the media these days. Jon has always supported me with my issues and told me as honest and lovingly when he thought I had issues or was going over the top. Our conversation then led to our own preteen daughter and my concerns.. So for most that have known me I was always the skinny girl, had kids early and all close together, gained a ton of weight with 2 of them and nursing did NOT make it go away. I never had body image issues as a kid ( other than my flat chest that seem to develop over a summer..good lord I am not ready for this all to happen with my sweet Tatum. ) and did not seem to develop all my issues until after I had kids.. My body had gone from what Jon called as "Peter Pan" shaped to a women's body.. I felt out of sorts, as most women do feel different after having kids. I fell into societies idea of what a women's body should look like..Cause we all know each of those women on magazine covers are so real and not airbrushed.. HAHA!! I became hard on myself and instead of accepting who I was or what I looked after having 3 beautiful kids, I felt I was not good enough, skinny enough and so on. It was a slippery slope I walked and I did everything in my power to look like those girls on the magazines. I had a friend make a comment to me and my mom after having Carson "that I was always the skinny girl" she didn't mean it in the way I took it just simply that I was a women now with hips and thighs, but to me she was saying that I was fat and that was all it took to set me over the top. Between those words,  the environment of the gym we belonged to and other family members comments, I snapped and the fell completely over that slippery slope.. I can say I was not bulimic, the thought of making myself throw up was not appealing in the least, but I can say I was/am exercise bulimic, maybe anorexic to a point. I never starved myself just more so watched what I ate and really did not enjoy life to the fullest. I reached a point on my 30th bday where I weight 98 scary lbs.. it was the scariest moment of my life looking at the scale thinking I was going to die!! It was the realization that I needed..I had 3 beautiful kids that needed me and depended on me, but most important I have a young daughter whom I was setting a horrible example for! At that point she really didn't notice that kind of stuff but I knew it was coming. She noticed the small things like what I ate and didn't eat, but not so much the other stuff.. Fast forward 4 yrs to today and that moment has arrived, and it scares the hell out of me! Tatum turns 12 next week and she is in fully body conscious mood.. She is developing as a young women, she is shaving (her legs were like chia pets and when you wear shorts as often as she does I felt bad for her.. ) and she is noticing little things. She is asking questions about eating, calories and so on. I hate it, I hate that I could have possibly had anything to do with this and know she has nothing to worry about. She was tiny at home in Oregon but even more so here.. Girls come in all shapes here and skinny girls are frowned upon.. Locals like a healthy body.. healthy being the key word. Shaped, toned and athletic over skin and bones. Tatum is what you would say skin and bones and the girl can put away food like no other. Her coaches, parents, friends, everyone comments on how much she eats and where she puts it. I think it is comments like this that get to her. She has started to ask questions about weight, clothes sizing and all the things girls can worry about. I have noticed her sucking in her tummy ( what tummy?) when she has a swimsuit on, or changing her clothes if she is full after eating. The girl still wears an 8 in most of her clothes has legs that go on forever and they nice and muscly.. Yesterday was the moment that got to me. We meet with new Dr's for the kids and they were all weighed, measured, blah blah blah... The boys have separate dr from her as she didn't want a male and vice versa for them. They boys went first and when the Dr presented me with their stats he seemed concerned not knowing their past. Carson weighed in at a whopping 46 lbs and 48 inches at 7.5 yrs old.. putting him in the 10% for weight and 15% for height.. Logan was 56lbs and 52 inches at 9.5.. same percentiles. I explained this was where they have always been and not to be startled.. Tatum kept asking is that good, is it good to be small. I did not know how to answer that.. I just said the boys were healthy and that is all that mattered. We had about an hr in between their appt and hers so Jon meet up with us and we had a late breakfast with him across the street. After breakfast we walked back over for T's appt. She seemed bothered and I asked what was wrong. She said she had to use the bathroom, (but just like her momma we hate public bathrooms..so she held it.. ) The nurse took her to weight her and we met up in the room. After the nurse left she had a puzzled look.. I assumed it was the #2 she was holding in her poor body but asked anyways.. She said to me.. "mommy, she weighed me and I have all the stuff in me from not going to the bathroom.." I was shocked.. I told her not to worry about it and that it really was not a big deal. I felt my heart drop, again thinking I am not ready for all this and could I have possibly done this to her. We met with her Dr, who was a  lovely older Asian woman whom I adore and think will be wonderful.. she told us T was in the 5% for her weight at 69lbs. After leaving we went home and she questioned me about "numbers".. I was very caught off guard. She asked if 69lbs was good. I said it just means you are little.. "well, is that good mommy" i said it's not good or bad it is just what you are. She seemed puzzled by my answer but I was trying to answer it simple, honest and the easiest for a 12 yr old brain to process. For the most part I never worry as she eats everything in sight and is no longer picky, but she has those moments where she says " she's not hungry" or eats a few bites and is "full". I do not know if it is me over reacting or reading into things or the typical preteen girls issues.. I am not ready for all of this nor am I the best role model or person to help her thru it all, but having lived it at an older age I hope I can give her some wisdom and guidance and maybe we can help each other. The moment she became conscious was the moment I knew that I had to be a better role model to her, thus forcing myself to be a better me. Easier said then done but hoping I can help her avoid the ugliness of societies pressure to be something other than yourself!! Up next.. I need help kindly telling my 2 boys that their hands do not belong in their pants 24/7.. Good grief, this momma needs a drink!! I promise to take some pics this week and post.. I keep forgetting to charge my camera..

a little thank you..

As many of you know I am outgoing enough to hold my own and often liked to be the center of attention.. who me??  But in the past few years that all took a back seat to finding myself and really what I wanted out of life and who I wanted to share that life with.. hard times lead me to see so many negative (and positive)  things in myself, my partner and the company we kept.  From my eating disorder (yes, i said it.. that is what it is..notice I did not say was, since it never really goes away, right? ) to shady people in my life, always being sick and finally finding out I am celiac.. going thru all of that made me who I am today and it really showed me WHO our real friends were and WHAT i wanted in a friendship.. I am blessed to have great friends whom I have not only grown up with, but 3 amazing women who have been my rocks for the last 3 yrs. I could never begin to say Thank you to them and can never imagine my life without them. We may be 3000 plus miles there is never a week, sometimes day I do not hear from them. Having to leave them was the hardest thing for me and I felt like I would never be able to find such wonderful, trusting, no judgement, honest friends like them again.. I think I was so for sure that their was no one out there like them that I was not open to finding new amazing friends. Kinda like when you break up with that amazing boyfriend and you think your life is over and you do nothing but cry and not eat for days because how could you possible go on? ... please tell me that you all get that and it was not just me.. HAHA. I came here open but yet very guarded and rightfully so, that is took me a little while to not only be open to new relationships, but to trust that they liked me for me, just the way that I was.. While being "friendless" not really but not having close friends I found myself buried in my kids and really getting to know them on a different level, but yet I was so not satisfied. I was sad, lonely and missing that connection.. I longed for my never ending, hours long phone calls with Amanda just to feel human.. (thank god it never goes longer than a 2 weeks with some texts in between cause I would die.. ) Then I realized I just needed to be open to people.. I have become a good judge of character and really know what I am looking for.. I sound like I am online dating for friends, right? When in all reality I was hanging out at the gym trying new things and BAM.. I met the 2 most amazing women and I count my blessings everyday. They are real, honest,  open and trusting. I finally felt like I could just be me and it didn't matter what I had, what I looked like or what hole I had crawled out of.. ( there are days that I look like that.. :) ) We spend most days with each other at some point and beach it on the weekends, but then found Thursdays are a good day to venture out and do the things our kids or spouses don't want to do with us or just don't have the time for.. I live for Thursdays to just hang out with my girls and feel good about myself. I still struggle each day with my body and wearing a swimsuit, ughhhh... but they remind me theres no shame in a little junk in the trunk and that being an amazing mom, friend and wife is far more important that anything physical attribute (body wise or belongings wise)  in the world. They help me live my simple life, (did I mention we no longer use the clothes dryer.. I hang dry everything.. simplicity at it fullest.. Really its just so we can run the air in the summer months cause we live the desert of Oahu and it is always 5-10 degrees warmer at my house they any other spot.. and our electricity bill is 500 a month during those months.. ) tangent... sorry, I needed to rant a little bit.. But in all reality I feel human again, I feel like all things are falling into place and I have friends who understand my daily struggles from my body issues, my poor tummy and horrible digestive issues, my anxiety (that's a tale for another day..) my love/hate relationship with my poor hubby who tries so hard to please me, and the daily struggle with being a good mom.. but even with all that they love and accept me , but most of all support me.. A huge thank you to the  "constant "woman in my life who keep me grounded and keep me sane, but most of all taught me that being just ME is fine.. ! XOXOXO

Fall Break.. Almost!!

Time just seems to fly here. I swear it is the early mornings and beautiful sun that greets us each day, but I may be biased. Kids are at school each morning by 7:30, and when Tatum has Junior police for the week she has to be there at 7! So needless to say our mornings begin a lot earlier here but it seems to make the day longer but quicker, if that makes any sense. Anyways, it dawned on me yesterday that the quarter ends on Friday and the kids have 6 days off of school. They have whats called Fall Break from mon- the following mon. It is crazy to think my kids are done with a full qrter and our friends in OR just started school. It often amazes me that one day it is Monday and before I know it is Friday. Which means we get to see Daddy, given that he works so much here we don't see him before 5 daily and many nights later if T has soccer or he has work to do at home. That all said I am really looking forward to fall break for many reasons.. No schedules, yes... crazy planner girl who thrives on a schedule likes a week here and there with no schedules. We only have dr appts with the kids new pediatricians and that is all I have planned.. Honestly, my plan is to let them sleep in while I go to the gym and to take them to the beach up the street each day.. I think I will so win "best Mommy" award!! But the best part of fall break is that my parents will be getting here on Friday the 5th.. Kids are super excited as are Jon and I. We have not seen them since April.  Since T changed clubs and we ended up not traveling for soccer.. It is a short trip for them this time, only 10 days but we will take what we can get. They will be here to celebrate T's 12th bday.. ( no way I have a 12 yr old!!) We cleaned our back guest house/room for them yesterday and the kids have already made lists of what they want to do with them while they are here.. Between shopping at Ala Moana, hiking Makapuu,  Diamond Head, and some of their favorite restaurants, oh and of course the beach.. they are gonna be tired!! Plus they will have to endure a sleepover with 9 girls for T's party!  That's ok, that is why they, are here.. right! Other than that there is nothing on the horizon here.. Just taking each day for what it is and finally learning to let things go and enjoy the moment.. As most of you know this is a big step for me and very much not how I am wired, but I have realized that I appreciate everything that much more and am I much happier, healthier person then I have been in years!!