As I have decided to post more often I feel that I cannot just write about my lovely children or the amazing surrounding we call home, so that being said I decided to just blog about everything that goes in and out of my head.. scary thought, huh?
After I wrote my last blog I felt so liberated.. I felt like I said a lot of things I have wanted to say but not felt "safe" in saying. For some reason writing has always been so thearaputic for me, right along with running! Hence, why my kids all coming to me with all the writing homework and then proceed to tell me that they are waiting for daddy to get home to start their math because I will not be able to help them.. At least all our cards are on the table! Haha. Jon and I were discussing the issues of societies perception on women, what they should, shouldn't look like. Mainly the whole Jessica simpson and Lady Gaga issues that are all over the media these days. Jon has always supported me with my issues and told me as honest and lovingly when he thought I had issues or was going over the top. Our conversation then led to our own preteen daughter and my concerns.. So for most that have known me I was always the skinny girl, had kids early and all close together, gained a ton of weight with 2 of them and nursing did NOT make it go away. I never had body image issues as a kid ( other than my flat chest that seem to develop over a summer..good lord I am not ready for this all to happen with my sweet Tatum. ) and did not seem to develop all my issues until after I had kids.. My body had gone from what Jon called as "Peter Pan" shaped to a women's body.. I felt out of sorts, as most women do feel different after having kids. I fell into societies idea of what a women's body should look like..Cause we all know each of those women on magazine covers are so real and not airbrushed.. HAHA!! I became hard on myself and instead of accepting who I was or what I looked after having 3 beautiful kids, I felt I was not good enough, skinny enough and so on. It was a slippery slope I walked and I did everything in my power to look like those girls on the magazines. I had a friend make a comment to me and my mom after having Carson "that I was always the skinny girl" she didn't mean it in the way I took it just simply that I was a women now with hips and thighs, but to me she was saying that I was fat and that was all it took to set me over the top. Between those words, the environment of the gym we belonged to and other family members comments, I snapped and the fell completely over that slippery slope.. I can say I was not bulimic, the thought of making myself throw up was not appealing in the least, but I can say I was/am exercise bulimic, maybe anorexic to a point. I never starved myself just more so watched what I ate and really did not enjoy life to the fullest. I reached a point on my 30th bday where I weight 98 scary lbs.. it was the scariest moment of my life looking at the scale thinking I was going to die!! It was the realization that I needed..I had 3 beautiful kids that needed me and depended on me, but most important I have a young daughter whom I was setting a horrible example for! At that point she really didn't notice that kind of stuff but I knew it was coming. She noticed the small things like what I ate and didn't eat, but not so much the other stuff.. Fast forward 4 yrs to today and that moment has arrived, and it scares the hell out of me! Tatum turns 12 next week and she is in fully body conscious mood.. She is developing as a young women, she is shaving (her legs were like chia pets and when you wear shorts as often as she does I felt bad for her.. ) and she is noticing little things. She is asking questions about eating, calories and so on. I hate it, I hate that I could have possibly had anything to do with this and know she has nothing to worry about. She was tiny at home in Oregon but even more so here.. Girls come in all shapes here and skinny girls are frowned upon.. Locals like a healthy body.. healthy being the key word. Shaped, toned and athletic over skin and bones. Tatum is what you would say skin and bones and the girl can put away food like no other. Her coaches, parents, friends, everyone comments on how much she eats and where she puts it. I think it is comments like this that get to her. She has started to ask questions about weight, clothes sizing and all the things girls can worry about. I have noticed her sucking in her tummy ( what tummy?) when she has a swimsuit on, or changing her clothes if she is full after eating. The girl still wears an 8 in most of her clothes has legs that go on forever and they nice and muscly.. Yesterday was the moment that got to me. We meet with new Dr's for the kids and they were all weighed, measured, blah blah blah... The boys have separate dr from her as she didn't want a male and vice versa for them. They boys went first and when the Dr presented me with their stats he seemed concerned not knowing their past. Carson weighed in at a whopping 46 lbs and 48 inches at 7.5 yrs old.. putting him in the 10% for weight and 15% for height.. Logan was 56lbs and 52 inches at 9.5.. same percentiles. I explained this was where they have always been and not to be startled.. Tatum kept asking is that good, is it good to be small. I did not know how to answer that.. I just said the boys were healthy and that is all that mattered. We had about an hr in between their appt and hers so Jon meet up with us and we had a late breakfast with him across the street. After breakfast we walked back over for T's appt. She seemed bothered and I asked what was wrong. She said she had to use the bathroom, (but just like her momma we hate public bathrooms..so she held it.. ) The nurse took her to weight her and we met up in the room. After the nurse left she had a puzzled look.. I assumed it was the #2 she was holding in her poor body but asked anyways.. She said to me.. "mommy, she weighed me and I have all the stuff in me from not going to the bathroom.." I was shocked.. I told her not to worry about it and that it really was not a big deal. I felt my heart drop, again thinking I am not ready for all this and could I have possibly done this to her. We met with her Dr, who was a lovely older Asian woman whom I adore and think will be wonderful.. she told us T was in the 5% for her weight at 69lbs. After leaving we went home and she questioned me about "numbers".. I was very caught off guard. She asked if 69lbs was good. I said it just means you are little.. "well, is that good mommy" i said it's not good or bad it is just what you are. She seemed puzzled by my answer but I was trying to answer it simple, honest and the easiest for a 12 yr old brain to process. For the most part I never worry as she eats everything in sight and is no longer picky, but she has those moments where she says " she's not hungry" or eats a few bites and is "full". I do not know if it is me over reacting or reading into things or the typical preteen girls issues.. I am not ready for all of this nor am I the best role model or person to help her thru it all, but having lived it at an older age I hope I can give her some wisdom and guidance and maybe we can help each other. The moment she became conscious was the moment I knew that I had to be a better role model to her, thus forcing myself to be a better me. Easier said then done but hoping I can help her avoid the ugliness of societies pressure to be something other than yourself!! Up next.. I need help kindly telling my 2 boys that their hands do not belong in their pants 24/7.. Good grief, this momma needs a drink!! I promise to take some pics this week and post.. I keep forgetting to charge my camera..
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